It's funny how angry and bitter you can feel, until a song comes on to remind you of the big picture and turns the bitterness into Alka-seltzer.  Feel the afternoon, the clean face, the peace.

It wasn't that long ago, but the dreams were different, weren't they?

I fell in love with Austria from the sky.  Amsterdam had been so planned, so straight, like someone had taken a fine-toothed comb and ran it all over the land, slicking it back for the fancy party.  But Austria, Austria flowed in and out of itself, meeting its own face dozens of times as it danced around the hills, the curves, the trees.  Austria knew that you didn't need to be linear to live on the land; it knew how to live in the land.

It was there, in the plane, that I realized that nowhere is where I belong.  Nowhere and belonging to no one but myself.  I saw Austria, I saw Vienna, and I realized my god I'm in Europe.  Et je me realise, je me souviens.  I realized, Billy, that it wasn't just a song, that Vienna really did wait for me, and oh how I needed Vienna.  I'm going to live here.  I'm going to live everywhere and nowhere.  I'm going to tear up my roots and belong to no place, no one.  It will be beautiful.

My god, I'm in Europe.

I forgot about the way they'll touch you when you're single.  Lingering, with an arm around your waist like they're exploring a new territory and trying to stake a claim on something they don't own.  Oh you're looking gorgeous as ever let's go get lunch while you're still around baby come on.

I pull away, keeping the smile on my face but feeling suddenly very sick.  I have a final right now, bye.

Walk away walk away

It reminds me of a piece I almost wrote a year ago, but changed my mind.  I still have the notes, and I may write it yet.

I am mine and no one else's.  Keep your damn hands to your damn self.

you
people like you
you are too big for those ideas
you loom over them
stepping on them
crushing them to death and
trying to own them.
you think you get it
but you don't.

you
people like you
do not understand
but overstand

I get a sort of adrenaline rush when I'm talking about life, reality, art, perceptions, etc etc etc. 
Like, when I'm passing notes in class talking to someone about how only the possibility of reality exists outside of our perceptions (like a tree falling in the woods) and that everything can indeed BE art, my hand starts to feel a little shaky and every word is suddenly exciting.  Or when I'm staying up late, laying on a couch and deciding how much destruction really is enough.  Somehow it makes me feeling like I'm speeding up.

How nerdy am I?

I really can't help it when the world is so much bigger than I.

Kait's back, and so ends my wonderful weekend of solitude.  Here are the stats:

Real conversations in person: 1
Real conversations via phone or voice chat: 3
Awkward moments: 1
Number of times listened to "Take Me Home, Country Roads": 17
Number of times sang above song at the top of my lungs: 17+ (too many to count)
Number of times watched "When Harry Met Sally": 3
Hours spent on video games: ~2
Homework done: LOTS!
Loads of laundry: 0.5 (it's been sitting in the dryer since Friday ... )
45s bought: 3
Entire books read: 1

It's felt so nice to be alone in this space for a while.  Everyone kept asking me, "aren't you lonely?" and the answer was no no no NO!  I needed complete and total Sharla time. 

I am refreshed.

Hello, world!

(I know it's never the same to just post lyrics, but I'm doing it anyway)

Vienna
Billy Joel

Slow down, you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out
You've got so much to do and
Only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you get old
You're gonna kick off before you even
Get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Tonight...
Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right. You're right.

You've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

And you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get half through
Why don't you realize Vienna waits for you?
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

What many people forget is that the heart is a muscle and, as it gets stronger, it hardens.

"If you stay in Canada, I can, too. Everybody says Canada is a hard country to govern, but nobody mentions that for some people it is also a hard country to live in. Still, if we all run away it will never be any better. So let the geniuses of easy virtue go southward; I know what they feel too well to blame them. But for some of us there is no choice; let Canada do what she will with us, we must stay."
--Robertson Davies

Does this make my virtue easy?  Am I emptying her by possessing yet another wandering spirit?

Americans here can't understand that it is not Sussex, New Brunswick that is my home, but the whole damn expanse of country.  And sometimes I am wracked with guilt over my selfish leaving of her.  Will I return?  I have no idea.